I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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