can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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