The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
