i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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