Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
