'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
