i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
