but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
