remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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