your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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