i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
