I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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