First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
this hospital has no fireball
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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