If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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