If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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