I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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