"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
