Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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