I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
