I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
