my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
