I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
