Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
