I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i already hear my dad disowning me
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
