Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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