I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
