My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
