i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
