how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
