I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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