SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
