Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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