my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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