New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Randomize
