My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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