i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
