I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
