I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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