If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
