For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
