hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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