1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm always down for nudity.
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