Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
