3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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