Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
