Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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