batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
