Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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