you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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