Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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